Log in Sign up

Ph.D.s who can win bar fights: the OSS and why you should know who they were

The Office of Strategic Services (OSS) was a wartime intelligence agency of the United States during World War II, and a predecessor of the modern Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) as well as SOCOM (Special Operations Command.) #nowyouknow #halfthebattle

The OSS has many legends and folklore, but one story I recently heard at the OSS Society's formal in DC last week took me back to fact-check. Turns out, it was 100% true, and it is by far the most 'wheelbarrow for those balls' moment I've ever heard of.

Peter Ortiz, whom invented the #savageaf hashtag

The legendary career of Peter Ortiz began at 19, with an enlistment in the French Foreign Legion. He learned multiple languages #phd and began his reputation as an unkillable death machine #barfightchamp. He was awarded the Croix de guerre twice, and numerous other valor awards, for being #aaf (those that know, know) and offered a commission to officership in the Legion for being Peter Ortiz. Ortiz turned down this offer, so he could retain his American citizenship #murrica #noragrets and went back to the US of A to go serve as a technical advisor for Hollywood #beforeSEALSmadeitcool

Upon the outbreak of WW2, Ortiz went to go reenlist in the Legion because America was taking too long #putdateamonmyback #ortizgotchufam and was wounded and captured while blowing up a fuel dump. He escaped a year later #houdiniAF and was so pissed he went back to the US to enlist in the Marine Corps.

Ortiz made waves with his Drill Instructors when he showed up to the drill deck with more chest candy and dangly dingys than some of his cadre #whosthebootnow #theirfacewhen and was commissioned to become an officer within only 40 days #fastrackedaf #showusyourwaysjedi

Ortiz then went back to France to go do what he does best, destroy souls and vagina. He blew up lots of shit, got wounded for the nth time #cantkilltheOrtiz #swiggityswootyOrtizcominfodatbooty and then ended up getting recruited by the OSS, whom received word of his massive testicles requiring three separate shipments to theatre #historicallytrue

Here's the part you've been waiting for, the most legendary, true story I've ever heard....

Ortiz, speaking Arabic, French, German, English, and who knows what else, was sent behind enemy lines to drink beer, smash French girls, and slit throats #undercoversavage #banginvichyfrenchinthesafehouse #wheretheheauxsat On one fine night in occupied France, in his favorite local watering hole, Ortiz heard some German officers talkin mad shit about the President and the US. Ortiz went back to his safehouse, put on his Marine uniform, armed himself with his Colt pistol #colt45andtwozigzags #gatorneedshisgatbitch and donned a trenchcoat.

Ortiz returned to the bar #savageindisguise and ordered a round for the entire bar #bitchiknowguacisextra #betteruseofyourtaxdollarsthanmoderntimes He then threw off his trenchcoat, pistol aimed at the German officers, and demanded toasts to the Marine Corps, the President of the US, and the US. Ortiz decided to let the German officers live after this, partially from the fact their schlongs fell off during this incident #thataintabratwurstfam and just deuced tf out of the bar. The Germans were so butthurt, they spent endless amounts of time and money hunting for 'that Marine Captain' in vain #lolumadbro #mirinmahskillz

Legends say Ortiz went back to Hollywood to round out his life of doing that shit before the SEALs made it cool #ogangsta


US and OSS flags from the epic night in DC the OSS Society held recently, and an etching of some of the most alpha individuals history will ever know

The OSS Society is pretty epic, and they're in the process of finalizing the National Museum of Intelligence and Special Operations. So, to that effect... any orders placed with SHplates over the next week have 10% of the sale donated to them. If you request something OSS-centric, we'll make it 20%. Be advised, orders placed with OSS-inspired designs may increase testosterone and lethality by over 9000%.

Share this post

Leave a comment

Note, comments must be approved before they are published

Born of necessity - solutions for rucking.
Veteran owned and operated, American manufacturing and materials.
Strength and Honor